


you're always worth it

by kosmokuns



Series: the heart wants what the heart wants [2]
Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Apologies, Breaking Up & Making Up, Fix-It, Fluff, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mutual Pining, Panic Attacks, Self-Discovery, it gets prevented but the build up is there, thats it tbh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-04
Updated: 2021-01-04
Packaged: 2021-03-15 07:01:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28559499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kosmokuns/pseuds/kosmokuns
Summary: based on the prompts ‘you say you hate it but your red face is telling me otherwise’ and ‘for him, I’ll do anything’the make up fic to my break up fic
Relationships: Callum Ilott/Mick Schumacher
Series: the heart wants what the heart wants [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2092488
Comments: 6
Kudos: 72





	you're always worth it

Summer break ends with Callum at his parents’ house and Mick hundreds of miles away in Switzerland. The idea that Mick isn’t Callum’s anymore still hasn’t sunk in by July and Callum is questioning whether it ever will. His mum takes him on long walks and to quaint tea rooms with red gingham table clothes and sweet chamomile tea that Mick always drinks before bed and Callum holds back tears in rooms full of elderly people and small children for weeks. They remind him of everything Callum wanted with Mick, he questions whether he ever really knew him, whether it was all a fantasy constructed by Callum to please himself. His mum, an angel, rubs his hand consolingly, reassures him everything heals with time while he stares out at the flat Cambridge landscape.

As his mum attempts to soothe his mind and balm his love wounds, his dad tries to knock him past Mick with harsh words about _moping_ and _acting pathetic_. He never liked Mick anyway, but it rubs salt into the honey his mum is trying to spread.

In the end, he ends up just as miserable as when he arrives.

In the Swiss Alps, Mick is not faring much better. He berates himself for his actions, lies unmoving on the sofa in the lounge for hours. His childhood anxiety rears its ugly head, forces him to stay in the house and talk to his psychologist twice a week. He picks through the sleeves of two of his crewneck sweaters and can only muster energy to do his neck workouts, leaving the rest of his body fading away.

Mick thinks about Callum more than he can admit.

He thinks about his soft touch, the way Callum’s hands were always a whispered prayer on his skin, he never treated Mick like glass, more like a Greek statue, built and powerful with lines of grace etched into him that Callum could never look away from. They went to see a Shakespeare play once, Twelfth Night, and Callum had whispered that Mick was his Orsino and Mick had rolled his eyes.

_In what world are you Viola?_

They ended up as Hamlet and Ophelia anyway.

Despite all his inner turmoil, the season restarts, and he has to drag the awful car around the tracks in eighteenth and ignore the media’s comments on his disposition having taken a turn for the worse. Callum gets a couple of FP1s and puts the car in the top five both times, proving his worth and skill as a driver. Mick’s proud of him, that he managed to find some good in a bad situation and texts his sentiments to Marcus who just replies with _don’t mate, just don’t._

Monza in September rips through Mick’s heart and tears it into minuscule pieces to sprinkle on his sundae of heartbreak.

Ferrari holds a gala that all of the FDA are invited to, along with the everyone that works in the team travelling to each race. After dinner, the hundred and fifty or so people end up dancing as per what usually happens with Italians and after a short stint with a pretty events manager, Mick gets swung into Callum’s arms.

Callum puts on a stoic face, pulls Mick into him, dips him and spins him with ease but Mick knows him painfully well and knows he isn’t enjoying it. They move with the flow of the hall; Mick takes in how he looks and smells his cologne for the first time in months, it’s like the air is back in his lungs. However, Callum bites his lower lip and has his entire upper body tensed, the tell-tale signs of a distressed, and more importantly, uncomfortable Callum. Selfishly, Mick doesn’t let him move on, can’t let him move on.

He hasn’t regretted anything more than their breakup.

“I’ve missed you,” He says, over the din of the hall, and Callum looks away and grits his teeth,

“Stop,” He gets out, but doesn’t drop Mick’s hand or his waist, just continues swirling them around the room,

“Really, I have,” Mick squeezes Callum’s shoulder where he’s holding on, “There were so many times I could have used your advice these past few months.” Callum elegantly moves them out of the group of people dancing to the side of the room,

“We broke up because you never spoke to me anymore, Mick, you’re kidding yourself. You didn’t need my advice then and you don’t want it now either,” He pushes a hand through his hair and looks down to meet Mick’s eyes, “Just, give me space, alright? I’m not getting back with you before you’ve sorted your shit out.” He walks backwards and away from Mick and folds back into the crowd, disappearing from his life again.

Mick considers seeing his psychologist three times a week.

He keeps the appointments twice a week and starts taking Lexapro, which by Singapore is definitely helping relieve his symptoms, but he has gained a reputation for being able to sleep anywhere which he isn’t pleased about. He manages to arrange to meet Marcus for a lunch in Maranello when he’s working in the sim for a few days, though, so he’s hopeful about his prescription.

Marcus leans back in his chair and surveys Mick head to toe after they’re seated,

“You seem different,” He remarks, right foot resting on his left knee with his arms folded, “Not sad, just different.” Mick coughs,

“Yeah, I, um, my anxiety has got worse recently, and I’ve started taking medicine for it,” He admits, looking into his hands. Marcus, to his credit, doesn’t waver,

“That’s probably it, then,” He orders them both lemonades and a pasta dish when the next waiter comes past.

“How’s Callum?” Mick says conversationally, and Marcus gives him a glare that says ‘really?’,

“He’s fucking fantastic,” He deadpans. Mick winces. The lemonades get placed in front of them and Marcus takes a sip, “You are simultaneously the best and worst thing to ever happen to him. When he met you, his confidence skyrocketed and all the hilarious things that were in his head he started to say aloud, and everyone loved it. You found that in him, and then you shut him out. So now he’s panicking because he can be that person without you, he doesn’t need you to be universally liked when he thought people liked him because you two were funny _together._ ” Marcus softens, “He’s working out what it’s like to be without you and who he is without you, who he is without you to prop him up. He’s scared to own it himself, Mick, instead of sharing it with you.”

Staying quiet, Mick reminisces on Callum’s face, the one he makes before he says something he knows is funny, the one he makes when he’s serious trying to cheer someone up, the one he makes after good race, he didn’t realise so many of them came for him.

“I never knew,” Mick replies mournfully, “I only knew him how I knew him, he didn’t once speak about himself before,”

“He doesn’t talk about himself much,” Marcus kick’s Mick’s foot to get him to look at him, “He’s a repressed southern brit with self-pity for a hundred and a dirty sense of humour to make up for it. Give him time, he wants you back, but he doesn’t want it to end the same. Prove to him it could be different,”

“For him, I’ll do anything,” Mick says, earnest, and Marcus nods,

“Good.”

Their food arrives and the conversation moves on away from Callum and Mick stews in Marcus’ words, wondering how to prove himself to Callum.

In Suzuka, Mick gets co-opted for an in-depth interview with Ted where his sleeping habits get asked about and he knows he has a choice to make.

“Good day everyone, Ted here with one of your formula 1 rookies, Mick Schumacher, Mick, hi,” Ted says with a crinkly eyed smile,

“Hi, Ted,” Mick says reflecting the smile back,

“You’ve had a pretty tough season so far this year, with mechanical failures and slow pitstops, but you’ve kept positive in the media so tell us, what is your secret?” Ted asks and Mick laughs,

“Honestly, I’m just happy to be here, obviously you want to be winning, but F1 is a long game, at least for me, and I’m learning so much I can’t really complain,” He answers and hears a camera go off. Ted nods,

“Well, racing is fun and all but I’m sure the people at home want to know more about Mick the person, so how about a quickfire round?”

Mick dutifully agrees and Ted starts reading out his cue cards,

“Here is a very cute picture of you with your dog, tell us a bit about her?”

“Yeah, she’s an Australian Shepard called Angie, she loves running and she’s a lot smarter than me,” He jokes, and Ted moves onto the next question,

“I hear you like mountain biking, what about it do you like?”

“A lot of people probably think it’s the speed, but I get that from racing, with the bike I love the open air, the forests. Nature can heal anything, in my opinion,”

“Beautiful answer there, finally, recently pictures of your sleeping escapades have appeared on social media, care to explain?” Ted says it with the glint of a laugh in his eyes, expecting Mick to play it off, but he thinks maybe this is how he proves to Callum he’s different. By being able to be candid on tv, maybe he can win him back.

“Honestly, I know people want me to make a joke about it but it’s actually pretty serious to me. I struggled with anxiety as a kid and it has flared up again with the pressure of F1 so I’ve been taking antidepressants to help me on a day to day basis. Unfortunately, one of the side effects is sleepiness, although if people find it cute I’m not complaining!” Mick replies with a smile on the end, “Taking medicine for health issues is nothing to be ashamed of and if your doctor suggests it, I highly recommend you follow their advice.” Ted nods, head tilted to the side,

“I absolutely agree, you heard it here first, Mick Schumacher takes antidepressants and isn’t ashamed of it,” He turns back to Mick, “It’s been lovely to speak to you, good luck this weekend, speak to you soon,

“Speak to you soon,” Mick inclines his head with a laugh and the recording camera ends and his PR hurries him up. Before he leaves though, he spots Callum opposite on the Ferrari veranda watching him, knowing he heard everything he said. He gives him a small smile and a wave, then gets swept away for his next media commitment.

Callum texts Marcus immediately after he’s gone,

_Did you know?!_

**_Know what?_ **

_About Mick’s anxiety_

**_Oh yeah I did_ **

_Why didn’t you tell me?_

**_Because it’s his thing, and he’s not your boyfriend anymore_ **

_I feel like such a dickhead now_

**_Callum no_ **

**_He doesn’t get a free pass on being shitty because he’s got a mental illness. How he treated you was wrong, end of._ **

**_Stop blaming yourself and go look at some data sets or something_ **

_Guess you’re right_

_Going to go get hot and heavy with the data now, thanks_

**_You’re insufferable_ **

Callum goes about his day with this revelation sitting in his mind and resists the urge to text Mick. He knows they’re over, but he still loves him, still would do anything for him if he asked.

Funnily enough, he gets the chance to do that sooner than he realised.

Suzuka ends disastrously for Mick, he has a crash that brings out the red flags as he spins into the barriers at a ridiculous speed. The medical team rule him okay to travel, scraping off with a sprained ankle only. However, the mental toll it takes dives much deeper, and he feels himself devolving into panic on Sunday night while trying to sleep for his flight on Monday evening. His heart hammers and he can’t keep still, and his brain is screaming so he texts the one person he knows is around to help.

_Help, room 144_

_Mick_

**_On my way, sit tight x_ **

Callum arrives three minutes later, moving his weight from foot to foot outside the door while Mick undoes the locks to let him in,

“What’s wrong?” He asks immediately, worry thick in his voice,

“Panic attack,” Mick says, feeling breathless,

“Okay, how do you want me to help?”

“Just like, hug me around my shoulders, really tight and try to breathe steadily,” Mick replies, and Callum does so, squeezing him hard, inhaling and exhaling slowly. He starts to sway them side to side and rests his head on Mick’s shoulder, just a few inches taller than him. Mick’s mind goes from bubbling magma to the tinkling whisper of a brook and he leans further back into Callum, who lets him.

The only noise in the room is the ticking of the clock and their hushed breathing.

After half an hour of gentle swaying and measured swaddling, Mick speaks,

“Thank you, I know it must have been hard for you,” He turns in Callum’s arm to look at him and smiles watery,

“Of course,” Callum replies, his hair mussed, and his eyes blown, “Anything for you, Mick, you know that,” Mick looks away,

“You should probably get back to your room now, thank you though,”

Callum looks wounded for a moment before he smooths it over, “No worries, see you around, Mick.”

“See you around,”

Mick watches his form retreating to the door, and stifles a laugh, he still walks completely upright. He’s got a skinnier waist than most guys, a bit more curve, and he was always insecure of it and overcompensated by not moving his torso when he walked so no jokes could be made about swaying hips. Mick thought it was beautiful, how dainty he looked shirtless compared to himself who had muscle wherever he could get it.

Austin passes without incident, Callum isn’t there, Mick’s settled into his medicine, the team and his teammate is full of the usual crap and Mick sticks as close to Ferrari as he can, reminds everyone he’s a Ferrari driver first and foremost.

Callum feels a similar sort of content in Maranello, he’s got used to being single now and been on a couple of dates. None of them have ignited into anything, but it fills him with a warm feeling to be flirted with and he enjoys a boozy night out and skin to skin contact.

One constant is loving Mick. He can be without him now, he knows who he is without him and reiterates that to Marcus over one of their brunch dates,

“I like who I am, and I’m happy now that I can think about myself independent of Mick, but I still want him,” He says airily, “I miss him.”

Marcus just nods, having heard it all a hundred times. Callum’s newfound feeling of being grounded and content with himself became less shiny very quickly, however he’s a good friend, so he keeps listening.

They cross paths again in Mexico at a sponsor event, end up seated on the same table as no one at Ferrari knows of any bad blood between them, as far as they know they’re best friends. _Close_ friends. They make nice with the sponsors, act charming and answer questions with enthusiasm and Silvia hands them their hotel keys half an hour early and says enjoy it with a wink, at which they both turn red.

“It’s not like that,” Callum says after he thinks Mick is out of earshot and she pats his shoulder,

“L'amore domina senza regole,” She says, “Love rules without rules,” And sends him on his way.

They end up pressed against each other in a lift full of team personnel. Callum can feel the ring on Mick’s finger and the muscles of his shoulder shifting lightly as the lift goes up.

They get out on the same floor, and Callum’s pink face has blushed darker to beet red and Mick stops him as he goes to walk off,

“I want you back,” He says and Callum gapes at him,

“What?”

“I want to be your boyfriend again,” Mick repeats the sentiment,

“Mick, we haven’t been together for months, I’m not the person you knew,” Callum replies, “You aren’t the person I knew,”

“Isn’t that what you asked for? Look, you say you’re over it, but your red face is telling me otherwise,” Callum smiles and looks to the floor, “Give me another chance, please?”

“You’re getting help with your, uh, stuff, right?” Mick rolls his eyes,

“My anxiety, yes. I’m sorry for how I acted towards you, it was never you, my brain was making problems out of nothing and I couldn’t see it spiralling until it was too late. I am so, so sorry Callum, it was never your fault,”

“Really?”

“Yeah,” Mick breathes, “I am truly sorry,”

“I think I got that part,” Callum responds, he says it with a grin though, one of the cheeky ones Mick loves so much,

“So?”

“I accept your apology, and if we’re getting together again, we’re starting over. We’ll take things steady, take each other on nice dates, no funny business for a few weeks at least,”

“I love it when you call sex funny business,” Mick interjects with a laugh, and Callum squawks,

“Not everyone grew up surrounded by Italians who talk about private things way too easily,” He says indignantly, and Mick’s laughter rises and gets louder, “Stop laughing at me!” Callum tries to tell him and fails, trailing off into a laugh himself. Mick gets a hold of himself first,

“Okay, what else?” He asks and Callum breathes deeply to calm down while Mick purses his lips together to push back a laugh,

“You have to talk to me about your emotional shit, and I’ll do the same. We failed at that massively last time, we have to do better this time,” Callum pauses, “That’s it, I think,”

“Sounds sensible to me,” Mick steps closer, “May I kiss you goodnight, Mr Ilott?”

Callum giggles, “Why, of course, Mr Schumacher.”

Mick moves into his personal space and pulls his face down to meet his own, tilts his head to the side and presses a chaste kiss against Callum’s lips, resting his other hand on Callum’s chest as Callum’s hands cradle his head,

“Goodnight,” He whispers into Callum’s mouth,

“Night, see you tomorrow for breakfast?”

“I’ll text you my room number,” Mick says.

**Author's Note:**

> hi!! thank you for reading, i hope this gave people some comfort in these tought times. thank you for the kudos and comments on the previous part, i enjoyed reading them all.   
> g x


End file.
